Driving Without Brakes

So, this just happened. During a crazy chaotic week, I found myself driving without brakes. Yes, the irony was not lost on me. God is telling me to slow my life the bleep down (because He probably doesn't curse like me). 

The day before, I had gone for an oil change, and everything was fine. The next day, I found myself with no pressure when I broke, my foot all the way down to the floor. I pulled into the same oil place about the time my brakes went completely nil and asked what was happening, since my fluid was checked. The guys would not let me leave. Both brake lines were shot and I had no fluid. So, in searching for tow trucks on my phone that has low battery and trying to figure out the nearest mechanic that would now be closed, how to get home, and being forced to take the next day off work (I call car troubles Single Gal Strong), these nice boys said they would help me if I waited until they closed the shop and move over to the next parking lot. Oh my goodness! Are you kidding?! That's amazing. 

This was after Zumba. I swear, all my car troubles happen when I am in my Zumba gear. Last time I was stranded in the middle of a left turn on a busy cross street, with people honking at me like idiots, got towed and had to ride in spandex feeling very naked with some hillbilly driver side eyeing me the whole time.  This time it was laundry day Zumba gear- even worse. Laundry day Zumba gear is not the cute Barbie workout gear we all don- I mean, camel-toe and all.  You know, those pants that find crevices that just shouldn't be visible to other humans. Maybe the advertised crevices were why they offered to help, though... 

So, I am sweating out of everywhere, starving, on my period without a bathroom, and waiting for these nice angels to close up so that they can sacrifice their night working on my car. My car is loaded like I'm a hoarder because life is busy and messy. I also had no cash on me to give them. 

I bought pizza from next door, since none of us had dinner. There goes Zumba. Sometimes, life just makes you eat pizza. 

They brought me brake fluid, but needed some parts, so I had to get in this young kid's car and ride nervously while he showed off and drove like an asshole to the store. I felt safe with these two, but I'll tell ya, the female caution tape is automatic and can be ridiculous. I was just aware of it, that's all. It wasn't that bright yellow in my head until my aunt expressed concern over the phone and made me fight some insistent paranoia. Did this place do this yesterday somehow? Was this some sort of scam? The one guy was left alone with my keys and could make a copy-they already have my address... Now I was in a car screaming down the streets with some stranger. He then knew my credit card number as well. When we got back, it was a different situation then the safety I felt before. It was pitch black, the pizza place next door had closed and turned their lights off. It was just me and two dudes in a parking lot next to the woods. Dammit. When they started talking about something else wrong with the car, I let my concern come out a minute and said, I just need to get home. When I drove off, with brakes, one of the guys said to have a blessed night. It made me smile and relax.

It's funny, this world we live in. It's a different world depending on your sex, for sure. These good Samaritans were just that, good. They were a blessing, and the instinct women have is to be overly cautious to the point of paranoia. Maybe it's my upbringing, Detroit logic, or whatever, but it is part of my psyche, whether I like it or not. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. It's been both for me. My instincts have definitely saved me in certain situations. But I always feel guilty when it goes the other way- when the universe sends me love and I question it.

So, I went back the next day and gave them my card and cash for all their help. There are good people in the world. I was so relieved and it was so much more painless than dealing with the normal breakdown Single Gal Strong. I told them if they ever opened up their own shop I would be their #1 PR pro. Ladies need trustworthy mechanics. We even might exchange business, as they need a photographer. 

They said to have a blessed day again. 

So, what did I learn? Brakes. Slow down. Thoughts are racing, that yellow caution tape, To-Do lists, schedule, life... Slow down. You need brakes. 

Also, I need to throw those pants out. 

Silly Monday to everyone, 
Lisa

Grams is on Facebook

I have a big-ass Italian family. So many cousins, great-grandkids, aunts, uncles, and so forth. The grandkids all chipped in to get Grandma an Ipad one Christmas a few years back, for games and whatnot. I didn't know exactly who would be taking responsibility to help her with technology, but it made me laugh picturing it. I live two and a half hours away, so I was out.

A while after this, my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and the kids were up north at the cottage and we found out that Grams is on Facebook! How cute! This should be fun. She asked to friend my sister. My mom. So, I wait and wait... Nothing. Hours go by. Huh. My own sweet little Catholic Italian grandmother did not ask to be my friend. What's worse-- she knew we were all up north together! I swear. There's nothing like family to make you feel amazing. Ha ha!!! 

I actually found all of this very cute and funny.  I did wonder which shitty cousin of mine was helping her with Facebook. Ha! 

So, I get into my work week and go to post photos on my business page on Facebook a few days later. Huh. Still nothing from Grams. "Alright, what the hell?" I thought, while laughing out loud. Old people and technology-- especially your family members-- it's just always a good time. So, I sent the request to friend her. Nothing. Three more days go by.

So, I had to make fun of this and posted something. ONLY THEN did my grams respond ever so sweetly and innocently. Apparently, it had something to do with a battery or whatever. 

My cousins had a field day with this one. It's just ironic, because she tells me all the time that I'm her favorite. 
It was funny to me.

Do you have a funny debasing family story? Tell me in the comments!

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Monday Sillies. Have a good day!
Lisa

Just When You Think You're Safe

Back in my twenties, I was living on Maui. A bunch of us girls decided to go camping on Lanai for the weekend. This island is pretty vacant, except for one huge hotel. The draw to this island is that it's where all the dolphins hang out and you are guaranteed to swim with them in the little cove.

I was never one that was crazy for snorkeling or diving, let me tell you. The water is just not our world. We really don't belong there. If we did, God would have given us fins, or the ability to breathe under water, etc. I have a keen awareness that sharks are never far away, plus barracudas, etc. In Maui, we saw signs for "Extreme Snorkeling". My friends joked "What is extreme about snorkeling? Snorkel 'til your eyes bleed!" This made us all crack up. Honestly though, to me, snorkeling is kind of extreme. I did it a couple times, because I lived in Hawaii and it is required to at least try. The second time (my last time), I was surrounded completely by a school of fish. It was so cool. Then everything got kinda dark and cloudy, the fish vanished. I couldn't see far, so I freaked and headed back to shore (not far). Some Hawaiian passing through was yelling for everyone to get out of the water because a shark was sighted. Yea. Last time I snorkeled. That's extreme to me.

So, it took a minute of gathering my courage to get back out there in another cute little cove. I psyched myself up because, damnit, I am going to swim with dolphins!  It was amazing, obviously. You can hear them underwater too. It was so surreal to be a part of this world that is so clearly not mine. I was grateful these friendly creatures were so welcoming and glad to have us around. I felt safe- my regular fear of sharks dissipated because I knew that dolphins gang up on sharks, using their power in numbers. Sharks don't look for trouble with dolphins. I felt protected in some mystical magical dolphin way. I even saw dolphins having sex! Yep. Belly to belly, one was swimming upside down and backwards and the other one was on top. They were very comfortable around us, I guess. What a beautiful day, beautiful cove, and beautiful experience. I did it!

The day turned to night and we ate and made a campfire. I was a closet smoker with all these health nut hippies, so I would always sneak away as to avoid the stink-eye. I walked off to where our tents were set up in the trees because I also had to grab something.  It was pitch black in the middle of the Pacific, but there was some moonlight and tons of stars. I walked into the little circle clearing where we set up camp, which had a canopy of trees so that the moon was blocked..  I looked up and froze. About fifty glowing eyes were looking back at me. The eyes were in a semi-circle around me. I was almost surrounded. What the hell is on this island?!! It can't be that bad, just relax... I always realize that I should have done some research about new places way after the fact and it is too late... But it was just another Hawaiian island.. Seriously, what the hell? There's nothing on Maui... I'm racking my brain- maybe pigs, but this many? I never even saw a free pig on Maui. I remember being charged by a goat in St. Johns once... I never saw any free goats in these islands, though. The eyes were not low to the ground, either. They were around my eye level, meaning whatever these things were, they were big. The glowing eyes were an evil yellowish-hazel-green-brown and looked like glass marbles. They would not take their eyes off me. They were not moving. I was not moving. We seemed to be at an impasse. I was definitely imagining some crazy Stephen King stuff for sure.

I had to do something. I slowly backed up, praying silently, not taking my eyes off theirs. I bowed my head a bit. In complete darkness, I imagined these beasts would surely jump on me at any minute and tear my flesh with their big crazy teeth. Grimm's Fairy Tales, all those weird ass fairytales you were read to as a kid went through my head. Wolves. No way. No wolves on the islands. I just kept walking backwards slowly.

As soon as I got past the clearing I picked up the pace to the beach. I approached my friends with quiet fake calm like I just had a quick question with all the time in the world. They think I pick out things to be scared of, so I was rolling my eyes at this problem in front of me.  I had just made it through my extreme snorkeling with such joy! Seriously, if only they knew the weird shit that happens to me- the reasoning behind my slanted psyche, I guess. When I explained the situation, they actually didn't give me any shit and were pretty concerned. They had no idea what these beasts could be either. There is nothing on this island! So, all of us walk back there cautiously, with headlamps on this time. Headlamps are so cool.

We turn the bend into the clearing, looking like cartoon characters in Scooby Doo for sure. Walking very slowly...
Then came the relief. Laughter too, but relief.

Deer. The evil eyes belonged to deer. They stood there, looking so innocent, eating their berries or whatever. Just as friendly as the dolphins. In Hawaii, though?! I mean, that would have been my first thought back home in Michigan, but not Hawaii. OK, that would NOT have been my first thought. My head probably still would go to Stephen King first, but.. I was used to them back home. I had been living on Maui long enough to forget about these guys. Ha!

I call this memory "Deer in Headlamps". Mostly me. I froze just like a deer in headlights. We were one and the same in our fear of the unknown.
It was funny to me.


Do you have a funny camping story? Tell me in the comments!

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Monday Sillies. Have a good day!
Lisa

Not Today Sucka!!

So, a while back I was getting pranked by the neighborhood cat. He's the leader of a gang on our street. He's a big fat mess of fur. I feel like cats have this keen awareness, like how bees can smell fear, that they just know when someone is allergic and doesn't necessarily feel kindly toward them. Kind of like the attitude we have with bees. Once cats have this awareness, the game is on. They will either purposely rub up all on you while you are in an interview, pretending that you like cats, or jump out at you at your friends' houses like it's an extreme sport to scare the shit out of Lisa. I have so many damn cat stories.

So, anyway, when I first moved into my house, there was a continuous steaming pile of poop right in the middle of my front porch, waiting to get me. It went on for a while. I wondered if he was hiding somewhere across the street with his chums watching me and chuckling like a grade-schooler. So immature. Then I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was my hazing into the neighborhood. Maybe it was like being greeted with cookies or brownies when you're new, like they did in the 50's. Do people still do this? Maybe I was just greeted with a different type of "chocolate."  I can't really picture all of this, I think he definitely has more of an evil or indifferent attitude, but picturing him in this way made me feel better for some reason. I've never heard of a "good" gang leader, have you?

So, now, when I open the door to get my mail, I always look down first. "NOT TODAY SUCKA! NOT TODAY."

I left the pile there as a signal to all the other hoodlums that they didn't get me.  It doesn't even bother me. Ha. Jokes on you.

However, now that I think of it, this may have started an involuntary war with my mail lady. It explains a lot. More on that later.

Make it a great Monday,
Lisa


Do you have a funny cat story? Tell me in the comments!

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