Christmas Snow

There are times when laziness and procrastination really pay off.

I have been in my house for about two years. My basement is my nemesis. Nothing has been unpacked and it's all boxes. So, I made the first effort last year to at least BUY the shelves, put them together, and get ready to unpack sometime in the next two years... Ha! I'm slowly working through the upstairs still. 

So, my nephews and niece were over at that time. One corner of styrofoam. That's all it took. My sister and I turned our attention away for two minutes. The two year old created a Michigan winter in my basement. I was laughing at first. At first. It was stuck in her hair, all over everything, and hitch-hiked its way upstairs, so it really was everywhere. 

Those little fly-aways are tough to catch, dammit.

I tried vacuums, dry-vacs, tape, etc. Of course my family gives me the ghetto dry-vac held together by duct tape and missing parts, making a frustrating clean up even more frustrating. At one point I had three dry-vacs in my basement and none of them worked. I finally just got a new one- with a cord as long as your arm. I did what I could and called it a day. There are too many boxes. You can't even walk through half of the basement.

So, that was last fall. Now it looks like planned Christmas decor. 

Good work.


Have a Silly Monday,



#1  Do Your Research

So, my grandma just turned 94, and we had a big ass Italian party for her. We started talking about how she is so hard to buy for, which brought up one of my well known faux pas, which these people will never let me live down.

Backstory: She loves to read those trashy romance novels with the couple wrapped in desperate love on the covers, being flicked by fire or whatever. I've always teased her about it. I would share my books I was reading- memoirs, classics, award-winning novels- to broaden her horizons, and she would keep pushing me to read those "quivering-member"-romance-books. This went on for a while. A while ago, I decided to back down and be nice for her birthday and give her a romantic book that I heard was really good- made all the lists, etc.  I gave my little old cute grandma "Fifty Shades of Grey". Had no idea. Didn't do enough research on that one. I gave an S&M book to my grams. I did see the word "erotic" in the description, but her books blare "erotic" all over the covers, so I figured it would be fine. I think Oprah even said something about this book, but again, I didn't do much research. Heard some things from the family... I think one of my aunts returned it. Since then, I have stuck to religious gifts only for Grams. She can't really balk at anything religious.

This just happens to be one of my go-to stories whenever I need to break the ice or save an awkward, silent situation. I don't know if that's a good thing, but people laugh and seem to relax with whatever is going on presently. I think it's funny.

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#2  When Pinterest Fails You

My oldest friend and her family just got a new house. They've been married for years, have two daughters, so they had everything. This was not their first house, so all the normal housewarming gifts didn't feel right. Pinterest was giving me the same old, same old, with the baskets of bread "so you will never know hunger..." and on and on. We all know that one. Snooze. So, I decided to be an asshole instead. 

I was really excited about this. I actually think this is THE BEST/WORST (at the same time) housewarming gift. I gave them a basket with Amityville Horror, eye masks, earplugs, and Kona coffee (has to be Kona coffee!), with a card saying "Congrats on the new house!"
Amityville Horror starts with the family buying a new house...

I know. I'm an ass. I would not appreciate that idea being put in my head when I bought my house.

#3 Merry Christmas

We were opening our Christmas stockings one year when my mom just started laughing uncontrollably. Hand over mouth, couldn't talk. So everyone was wondering what was happening and looking at my dad and back to my mom. We could see she was holding a Santa figurine. It was really pretty-blue/silver and sleek. She turned it around, which is the way she opened it at first, and we all saw it. A penis, exactly molded to perfect exhibition.  She must have thought for a single second that my dad had gotten her a dildo or some penile sculpture and thought it fine to wrap up and open in front of her kids and grandkids. 

So, we drudge it up from time to time and re-gift it to one of us for laughs. I would post a picture but I don't know who has The Santa Penis right now.

It would be a funny "elephant gift". Is that the one you grab something from your house and gift it at company holiday parties? Yeah. I wish we would have stocked up on those santas. Or, when you very much dislike someone and you have to buy for them for the office party, this would secretly say "You're a dick." They won't know. But you will. 

Do you have any cool stories about gift-giving? Share them in the comments!  Please share this blog if it makes you smile on Mondays. If you subscribe to receive these in your inbox, please add me to your contacts or it will go to spam or "promotions" if you have gmail...

Have a Silly Monday,

Not Today Sucka!!

So, a while back I was getting pranked by the neighborhood cat. He's the leader of a gang on our street. He's a big fat mess of fur. I feel like cats have this keen awareness, like how bees can smell fear, that they just know when someone is allergic and doesn't necessarily feel kindly toward them. Kind of like the attitude we have with bees. Once cats have this awareness, the game is on. They will either purposely rub up all on you while you are in an interview, pretending that you like cats, or jump out at you at your friends' houses like it's an extreme sport to scare the shit out of Lisa. I have so many damn cat stories.

So, anyway, when I first moved into my house, there was a continuous steaming pile of poop right in the middle of my front porch, waiting to get me. It went on for a while. I wondered if he was hiding somewhere across the street with his chums watching me and chuckling like a grade-schooler. So immature. Then I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was my hazing into the neighborhood. Maybe it was like being greeted with cookies or brownies when you're new, like they did in the 50's. Do people still do this? Maybe I was just greeted with a different type of "chocolate."  I can't really picture all of this, I think he definitely has more of an evil or indifferent attitude, but picturing him in this way made me feel better for some reason. I've never heard of a "good" gang leader, have you?

So, now, when I open the door to get my mail, I always look down first. "NOT TODAY SUCKA! NOT TODAY."

I left the pile there as a signal to all the other hoodlums that they didn't get me.  It doesn't even bother me. Ha. Jokes on you.

However, now that I think of it, this may have started an involuntary war with my mail lady. It explains a lot. More on that later.

Make it a great Monday,

Do you have a funny cat story? Tell me in the comments!

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