Saturday Night Staredown

This one time, I was so drunk...

We had a girls' night celebrating some small victories and I got dropped off at home. I was sitting on my front porch, having a cigarette before I went to bed. I saw a deer on my neighbor's lawn, diagonally across the street from me. He was looking at me. He moved a little bit. Squinting, I tried to see across the street in the dark at this creature that seemed to be doing the same to me. We had a stare down. He's judging my drunk ass.  I agreed with him and went to bed.

The next morning, out my window, I see that the deer is still there, alright. Fake. He's a lawn figure thingee that my weirdo neighbor youths just put out on their lawn the day before. Or did they? How long has that thing been there? As you will see, his head is completely turned away, as if the whole neighborhood has been shunned. Same attitude as the youths that live there.

I swear he was looking at me. I swear I saw him move that night.
Stare-downs with statues.
 

It was funny to me.

Have a Silly Monday,
Lisa

The Grind

It's 9:30 am on a Monday morning. After talking to two clients and my boss, I went to the bathroom to see coffee grinds stuck to my forehead.

Why is it that people can't bring themselves to tell you "You got a little somethin'..."
I would.
This is why I have trust issues.

Have a Silly Monday everyone!

Lisa

My Ass is Broke

We're going sledding up north at the cottage this weekend. I remember...

I was a younger tween-ish something. We were up north with my cousins and aunt and uncle. My dad and my uncle take the four kids sledding. 

They look at all the kids and think, "Why isn't anyone on that hill right there?"
We'll come back to this. This will always be a sign for decision-making.

So, we go doubles on a sled and my nothing-but-a-peanut of a cousin, Ellen, is in front of me. She's six years younger than me. Basically a toddler at the time. 

That is why when we flew into the air because of a bump not seen in the white snow, WE didn't come down the same way with the same force. My tailbone took it all.  All of the force. Going through the air, in slow motion (picture faces in slow motion screaming), the helplessness hit that I have no control over what's about to happen. This is going to hurt. 

To this day, I have to watch how I sit. Sometimes I have to readjust and lift a cheek (like how untrustworthy boys do when they fart. You know, they just kind of... lift a cheek?). I wonder if co-workers think that's what I'm doing. I am not farting! It's my tailbone.

Sometimes I'll come home and have to lay on my belly. How your feet hurt after a long day? My butt hurts. Like how bad knees tell you when it's raining? My butt hurts. I don't really know that for sure because I have bad knees too. So, I just know it's going to rain.

I have clear visions of my dad, my uncle, my cousin, and my sister (because she laughed) at this snippet of time in my memory. I guess you could say that they are all literally a pain in my ass. 

Lessons learned:
Make your dads go first.

Also, whenever you ask yourself "Why aren't people over here?" or "Why wouldn't everyone do such and such?".... Stop and reassess the situation. Maybe ask someone. 
I asked myself something similar in Maui. "Why aren't people swimming at sunset?" (It's feeding time for sharks. I found that out and never did that again. If Hawaiians aren't in the water, you don't go in the water.)

There's always a reason... If it's an obvious thought, don't you think all the dummies out there would have thought of that too? Sometimes following the crowd is a good thing.

Just thinking about the unfortunate event is making me mad at my sister for laughing. Inappropriate timing. Jerk. 

Take a minute to be silly today,
Lisa

ADULT LIVES MATTER!

It's snowing again. After a few days of semi-springlike weather, we have been bamboozled once again. I always said that if it's going to be frigid, it could at least be pretty. Covered in a blanket of white snow until it actually warms up.

But, right now...

I'm tired of terrified driving. To and from work, I count where there should be guardrails but aren’t. There’s about 50 death traps if I hit ice, or anyone around me is an idiot. Talk about building a wall- let’s build THOSE walls. 

I also believe that if it’s too scary for kids to go to school, we don’t go to work. Adult Lives Matter! We should be in an era where we can work remotely in blizzard situations. I believe we have the technology. Why aren't more companies doing this?

My neighbors have already pulled me out of my driveway twice in about a two week span. I now have to add beer money for them to my winter budget.

It's not my car. It's my dad's. I'm learning it's diva qualities. I hope my car is ready soon. 

I guess that's one cool thing about winter- it always brings your community together a bit more. Everyone is out there shoveling and gruffing... It unites us a bit. Unity in the suck. But, it  sure is pretty. 

I get a celebratory shoveling when I finally get home tonight. After a glass of wine... 

Silly Monday to you,

Lisa
 

Treadmill Troubles

Happy New Year! As we are getting back to reality after the holidays, back to adulting and responsibilities, most of us are getting back to the gym as well. Resolutions are so big in January, right?! I caught my reflection in the mirror at Zumba and was thinking, "That can't be right. How did that happen on Christmas break?" Oh my. Damn Christmas cookies. Lasagna. All things Italian and gooey with cheese. 

I started thinking back to each year's resolution- the typical standard resolution that I'm sure we all have. While pondering, a flashback popped into my head. I can hear my sister laughing, as this is one of her favorites.

I was at the gym at my old apartment building, on the treadmill. Everything is going smoothly and steady, and then, all of a sudden, I must have hit the wrong button, I don't really remember. The speed changed when I wasn't mentally aware that it was about to, and instead of spreading my feet off to the sides, which are stable, my first instinct was to try to catch my feet up to the track. It was a knobbly-kneed mess. I was going down. I tried to catch up, and was making a go of it for a while like a brand new deer and then the track abruptly flung me to the back of the machine, where I promptly fell. It was loud and obnoxious. Picture someone's face while falling. Yeah. I think that's why my sis likes this story so much. She loves when people fall. You have to admit, their faces are hysterical. This was not just an instant jolt, either. It took a while to actually execute. So my face had to go through a series of contortions. 

So, I sat on the ground for a minute and started laughing. The guy next to me was trying to keep his laughter a secret and had to eventually stop his machine and leave. He left the gym. This is what got me- the Barbie chick in front of me- she turned around and gave me stink-eye! Stink-eye! Really? So sorry for YOUR inconvenience. Nice empathy skills at old Ramblewood Apartments. 

The gym for grownups is still the same as gym class, when you think about it. We're all vulnerable and probably going to do something wrong or stupid at some point in front of all the kids. More flashbacks coming at me from grade school... Eeshk. And we all had that chick that was perfect at everything and did 50 timed pull-ups when you couldn't even do one. (I just hung there, dangling, in front of Mr. Miller and all the kids.)

You gotta laugh.

And, also, use the elliptical. It's safer.

Happy New Year,
Lisa