Big Sisters Are Jerks

My big sis is turning 40.  No idea how we got to this point. Our parents were having "Over the Hill" parties at Camp Dearborn, like, yesterday. How are we are there already?

So, upon wrapping her gift, I started reminiscing. By the way, I am so proud of this gift! It had to be good for the big 40. I got her something for every decade that had a part in her big 40 years.
--70's- cool sunglasses that are the size of my face.
--80's- We used to fight over this one mixed cassette tape. I ended up with it somehow, and her old tape player. 
-- 90's- some of her favorite movies from that era. (Side note: "She's All That" is still a bunch of bullhonkey. You put glasses on a beautiful girl and she's supposed to be the ugly duckling. Cray-cray. We always teased her about that one, but she loves it.)
--2000's- a Life photo book on how that decade changed the world.
--2010's - leggings (because I honestly believe that they are the best thing from this decade).

So, going through all those cassette tapes, I remembered when we were moody teenagers escaping into our deep dark selves just listening to music with candles and shit. (Remember Shakespeare's Sister's "Stay"?) Oh my, memory lane. 

So much time spent on feelings feelings feelings! At times, pining over someone stupid, yes. Big sisters are jerks. You are figuring out your newly growing interests in the opposite sex- more so than the previous Kirk Cameron or New Kid- and a big sis is your biggest bully. You then realize that's never going to change. Your biggest bully is going to be with you your whole life. The only bad thing about someone knowing every single thing about you is that there is someone that knows Every Single Thing About You. (And that Kirk Cameron poster would always fall in the middle of the night and scare the shit outta me. Do you remember his best friend was "Boner"? I feel like that wouldn't fly today). The pre-teen years came with some real winners for me. "I'll never find someone like William Baldwin from Backdraft!" Then came Ross, from Friends. She'll remind me of it for the rest of my life. Then came the serious real-person crushes in high school that were an advanced heartbreak. One dude that I crushed on had this model girlfriend the entire four years. I remember her laughing at my pain. What an asshole. ;)

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I call this her "Ronald McDonald Hair Phase"

I call this her "Ronald McDonald Hair Phase"

However, if someone were to really hurt me, I do believe she would cut a bitch. She always has my back. That's the thing about big sisters. That love-hate contradiction starts when you're toddlers and carries through well into adulthood. I believe older siblings teach us humility, resilience, how to laugh at ourselves (because they already are laughing at us anyway), and how to stick up for yourself when it really comes to that. They designed the crazy line- when people finally cross it and you get to go haywire. They teach you to toughen up-- 'cause it gets a lot worse! Ha! There will be bigger, darker difficulties to overcome. We are better equipped to  deal with those difficulties because of these bullies. (Note: I am not advocating for bullying here. I am very anti-bully. I do believe it’s a different matter in reference to siblings.)

My sister and I have this thing with ninjas. We started this when we were each going through arduous hardships with other people, realizing that our circles needed to be a bit pruned. They remind us that no matter what, we have each other's backs. We don't live super close to each other, so it's a symbol for cutting negativity out of your mind, out of your life. I keep a tiny ninja figurine in my purse. Just seeing it when I'm dealing with an idiot, makes me smile and  helps in detaching from that person's behavior. I also imagine us drop-kicking the doof. 

(Speaking of toys in my purse, my nephew gave me a figurine too, and so did my friend's little boy. Some dude saw these in my purse the other day and asked if I have kids. "No." From the stink-eye he gave me, he totally thought I was a creeper. Looking back, I probably should've explained. I'm a fricking busy woman. Oh well.)

I still have celebrity crushes. Lately, it's been Phil Dunphy. I don't care what you people say. That guy's awesome.

Happy Birthday, sis. You're still my favorite person to tell stupid Lisa stories to...

Have a Silly Monday,


#1  Do Your Research

So, my grandma just turned 94, and we had a big ass Italian party for her. We started talking about how she is so hard to buy for, which brought up one of my well known faux pas, which these people will never let me live down.

Backstory: She loves to read those trashy romance novels with the couple wrapped in desperate love on the covers, being flicked by fire or whatever. I've always teased her about it. I would share my books I was reading- memoirs, classics, award-winning novels- to broaden her horizons, and she would keep pushing me to read those "quivering-member"-romance-books. This went on for a while. A while ago, I decided to back down and be nice for her birthday and give her a romantic book that I heard was really good- made all the lists, etc.  I gave my little old cute grandma "Fifty Shades of Grey". Had no idea. Didn't do enough research on that one. I gave an S&M book to my grams. I did see the word "erotic" in the description, but her books blare "erotic" all over the covers, so I figured it would be fine. I think Oprah even said something about this book, but again, I didn't do much research. Heard some things from the family... I think one of my aunts returned it. Since then, I have stuck to religious gifts only for Grams. She can't really balk at anything religious.

This just happens to be one of my go-to stories whenever I need to break the ice or save an awkward, silent situation. I don't know if that's a good thing, but people laugh and seem to relax with whatever is going on presently. I think it's funny.

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#2  When Pinterest Fails You

My oldest friend and her family just got a new house. They've been married for years, have two daughters, so they had everything. This was not their first house, so all the normal housewarming gifts didn't feel right. Pinterest was giving me the same old, same old, with the baskets of bread "so you will never know hunger..." and on and on. We all know that one. Snooze. So, I decided to be an asshole instead. 

I was really excited about this. I actually think this is THE BEST/WORST (at the same time) housewarming gift. I gave them a basket with Amityville Horror, eye masks, earplugs, and Kona coffee (has to be Kona coffee!), with a card saying "Congrats on the new house!"
Amityville Horror starts with the family buying a new house...

I know. I'm an ass. I would not appreciate that idea being put in my head when I bought my house.

#3 Merry Christmas

We were opening our Christmas stockings one year when my mom just started laughing uncontrollably. Hand over mouth, couldn't talk. So everyone was wondering what was happening and looking at my dad and back to my mom. We could see she was holding a Santa figurine. It was really pretty-blue/silver and sleek. She turned it around, which is the way she opened it at first, and we all saw it. A penis, exactly molded to perfect exhibition.  She must have thought for a single second that my dad had gotten her a dildo or some penile sculpture and thought it fine to wrap up and open in front of her kids and grandkids. 

So, we drudge it up from time to time and re-gift it to one of us for laughs. I would post a picture but I don't know who has The Santa Penis right now.

It would be a funny "elephant gift". Is that the one you grab something from your house and gift it at company holiday parties? Yeah. I wish we would have stocked up on those santas. Or, when you very much dislike someone and you have to buy for them for the office party, this would secretly say "You're a dick." They won't know. But you will. 

Do you have any cool stories about gift-giving? Share them in the comments!  Please share this blog if it makes you smile on Mondays. If you subscribe to receive these in your inbox, please add me to your contacts or it will go to spam or "promotions" if you have gmail...

Have a Silly Monday,